Cultivating the Culture of Honour – Part 1: Through Love and Connection

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RECAP: Matti’s TWO Messages March 3rd and 17th focused on the Three Pillars that sustain a Culture of Honour and then he focused on the Pillar of Freedom – about Self-control.

The Pillar of Love:

How do we “intentionally” cultivate a “’Culture’ of Honour”?

If we want to be part of cultivating a Culture of Honour where the life of God flows and His Kingdom comes here like in heaven, then it comes back to honouring and loving ALL people the way God honours and loves ALL people.”

(C of H: Culture of Honour Book by Danny Silk)

To us ALL, the bible says in 1 Peter 2:17

“Honour all people. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honour the king.” NKJV

“Recognize the value of every person and continually show love to every believer. Live your lives with great reverence and in holy awe of God. Honour your rulers.” TPT – The Passion Translation

These verses speak to the way God wants us to relate to one another in ALL of our relationships.

So…Where do you think the enemy is going to be most at work?


What does it take to cultivate a Culture of Honour in our relationships?

Firstly, It takes LOVE:

“A Culture of Honour creates an atmosphere of life where we can grow up and LEARN TO LOVE ONE ANOTHER.” (C of H)

  • Learning to love can be painful and messy BUT God wants us to love one another!

1 John 4: 7-11, 19 11 Delightfully loved ones, if He loved us with such tremendous love, then “loving one another” should be our way of life! God is love! 19 Our love for others is our grateful response to the love God first demonstrated to us. (TPT)

If we have Love and Love is the answer – WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?


There is a battle going on that we may not be aware of! AND, it is a SPIRITUAL BATTLE!

  • “Fear and love are mortal enemies.”
  • “They come from two opposing kingdoms.”
  • “Fear comes from the enemy, who would like nothing more than to keep you permanently disconnected from God, who is always working to heal and restore your connection with Him and other people and bring you into healthy, life-giving relationships.” (KYLO – Keep Your Love On Book by Danny Silk)


There is a spirit of fear and a spirit of love: We can tell which spirit we are partnering with by whether our goal is disconnection or connection in our relationships.

“We will be partnering one side or the other whether knowingly or unknowingly and it affects the way we see things: through fear or through love! So, it is much better to intentionally choose the side we are partnering with.” (KYLO)


  1. Do you know which kingdom are you partnering with?
  2. How can you tell which kingdom you are partnering with?


       “We don’t realize that PEOPLE AREN’T OUR ENEMY – FEAR IS OUR ENEMY!”(KYLO)

It is a spiritual battle: Ephesians 6:12

In NKJV it reads, “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.”

In NLV it reads: “Our fight is not with people. It is against the leaders and the powers and the spirits of darkness in this world. It is against the demon world that works in the heavens.”

“While God is not afraid of sin and sinners, most of us are. We’re afraid of peoples’ mistakes and we’re afraid of our own mistakes. It’s no wonder our entire society, including our court system, is set up in such a way that fear and punishment are the solutions to bad behavior. As long as we operate out of fear, we will inevitably continue to reproduce distance and disconnection in our relationship with God, others and ourselves.” (KYLO)

The Good News is, “God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”  2 Tim. 1:7

  • And we can choose to partner love and not fear!

What else does it take to “Cultivate a Culture of Honour” in our relationships?


In the book“Keep Your Love On” by Danny Silk, the three main concepts of the book are: CONNECTION, COMMUNICATION, and BOUNDARIES. This week we are looking at CONNECTION and next week we will look at communication and boundaries

The connection is a choice that starts with believing I am Powerful: “Whether we know it or not, we are POWERFUL AND RESPONSIBLE.” (KYLO)


“Powerful = I control me, other people and circumstances don’t control me

  • I am affected by other people and circumstances but I control me regardless of what is going on outside of me.
  • To protect connection, I must control me

Responsible = Response-able: I have the ability to choose how I respond instead of reacting to a person or circumstance.” (KYLO)

Choosing to live as a Powerful or Powerless Person: What is the difference?

Powerful People have Powerful Beliefs.

Powerful People:

  • Experience a lot of peace because they know what is inside of theme is more powerful than what is outside of them.
    • They live in freedom and don’t want to control others
    • Believe they are free to choose and have a choice
    • Embrace relational responsibility
    • Believe the only control they have is self-control.
    • They know they do not control others nor do they let others control them
    • Have an internal authority that motivates their choices and decisions
    • Are motivated by love
    • Use powerful language: “I choose”, “I do”, “I don’t”
    • Use responsible language: “I will”, “I won’t”


Powerless People have Powerless Beliefs.

Powerless People:

  • Experience a lot of anxiety because they believe something out there is more powerful than what is inside of them.
  • Live anxious and want to control others.
  • Believe they can’t control themselves and that others control them and they can control others
  • Blame others for when life is not working.
  • Are looking for a way out of their relational responsibility
  • Take on the mentality that they are a victim.
  • Are motivated by fear
  • Use powerless language: “I have to”, “I can’t”
  • Use irresponsible language like “I’ll try”


Powerful or Powerless: What do you believe?

  • The truth that you are powerful and responsible?
  • The lie that you are powerless and not responsible?
  • The choice creates the type and quality of relationships we will have.

The Choice to Live as a Responsible or Irresponsible person.

The Victim (Irresponsibility) Cycle:

  1. VICTIM: “The Victim’s worldview is powerlessness – It is unique in that it is something they can do something about but they have worn this identity of powerlessness and the belief that comes with that, so they don’t do anything about it.”
  2. BAD GUY: “Every victim needs a bad guy – The victim empowers the bad guy with their power. The victim believes, “the bad guy is powerful and I am powerless.” Triangulation is the cycle of irresponsibility and the cycle of taking the power I have and setting it on someone else.  You are now the powerful bad guy in my life! You have recruited a bad guy and now you need a rescuer!”
  3. RESCUER: “Every victim needs a rescuer – The rescuer is here to bring justice! The victim hires the rescuer and the rescuer goes after the bad guy. The rescuer believes, ‘I show you I love you by taking on your relational conflict and by taking on whoever you have blamed as the bad guy.’ The rescuer take responsibility for someone else’s life in an attempt to feel powerful.”

This is the process of relational IRRESPONSIBILITY:


Have you observed or participated in the triangulation cycle?

If so, which role did you typically play: victim, bad guy or rescuer?

In the process of relational RESPONSIBILITY,

am response-able) and THERE ARE NO BAD GUYS:

“There are people I have conflict and disagreements with, people who have made poor choices and even evil people in the world. BUT, as soon as I realize the irresponsibility is out of control in our relationship, I am powerful and I have some decisions to make.

If I perpetuate the powerless victim model then I move from being a victim to being a volunteer: to not communicate, to not set limits and to not manage myself.” (KYLO)

Powerful people require respect in relationships: respect what I think, feel and need.  And I have created process of getting those needs met but I don’t live in an ongoing abusive relationship. Powerful people refuse to be victims: “I will let you know what I am going to do with me. I don’t know what you are going to do with you.”

Powerful people set limits with abusive people: they don’t recruit a rescuer or assign blame to a bad guy.

Powerful People manage themselves regardless of what others do: they know that on a good day they can manage themselves: tell themselves what to do and do it.

Powerful People keep their love on and move toward connection: while they mend whatever it was that caused the disconnect.

Powerful people understand that conflict is a normal part of life and are not afraid of it.

Powerful people confront to restore the relationship

Powerful people take personal responsibility for their life and decisions



My Prophetic Word 29 years ago (1990): “You are a Minister of Reconciliation”

I a DREAM  “You are a Minister of Reconciliation” – Yippee!!!

Unconscious Incompetence: I don’t know that I don’t know what I need to know.


Conscious Incompetence: I now know I don’t know what I need to know.  Wahhhh!!!

This is also where I hit a point of reality

This is the point of reality where we get to choose either:

Prophetic Thinking OR Fantasy Thinking!

I make a choice to DEVELOP what I need to know.

Conscious Competence: I am learning and practicing what I need to know with many embarrassing rehearsals.

Getting Healing: Replacing Lies with Truth, getting to Know God in a deeper way

Developing my Skills, Gifts, Wisdom, Knowledge, Character/EQ

Personal Competencies:

Self-Awareness > Self-Regulation > Motivation

Social  Competencies:

Empathy > Rapport

I now DEMONSTRATE the reality of the dream.

Unconscious Competence:

I now know what I need to know and those around me see that demonstrated with competency and ease. I am powerful, response-able and account-able. I am free!

THE PROCESS TAKES TIME: I can prolong it and even speed it up but I can’t avoid it!

There are personal prophetic words we are all in the process of. There are also corporate words for New Life that we are in the process of.

One of them is that, “We will be known for our love”.

We are IN THE PROCESS of this Prophetic Word right now TOGETHER!

It takes Prophetic Thinking and being the Powerful Responsible People God has created us to be to realize this word!

We can cultivate the Culture of Honour through Love and Connection and see God’s life and kingdom flow through us!

AND Like Bill Johnson says, “As we succeed, we will be positioned to bring the cities of our world into transformation! Transformation through honour and empowered by the grace of God to and through us!” (C of H)

INVITATION to enter into God’s Presence and Love for this process:


Colossians 3:12-14 (TPT) together:

“I am always and dearly loved by God! So I robe myself with the virtues of God, since I have been divinely chosen to be holy. I will be merciful as I endeavor to understand others, and be compassionate, showing kindness toward all. I will be gentle, humble and unoffendable in my patience with others. 

I will tolerate the weaknesses of those in the family of faith, forgiving others in the same way I have been graciously forgiven by Jesus Christ. If I find fault with someone, I will release this same gift of forgiveness to them. Love is supreme and flows through each of these virtues. Love becomes the mark of my true maturity. Love is the perfect bond of unity. Love binds us all together in perfect harmony! I choose love!”

“I am a powerful and responsible person. I am not a victim. I control myself. I do not control others. God’s grace empowers me to live a self-controlled, powerful and free life of love with God and others.”

And… You can “Keep Your Love On”. We can together!

-Donna Petch

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