Cultivating the Culture of Honour through Communication and Boundaries Part 2

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Through Communication: The Goal of Communication is Understanding

  • The only way for me to understand you, is for you to tell me what is going on inside of you.
  • Why?
    • Because I do not know what is going on inside of you – only you know what is going on inside of you and sometimes you don’t know what is going on inside of you but I never know what is going on inside of you! And I especially don’t know what your motive is. (KYLO)
      • “The heart is deceitful above all things and it is extremely sick;
        Who can understand it fully and know its secret motives?” Jeremiah 17:9

***I cause myself pain when I think I know what you mean and what your motives are.

There is a word the identifies what is happening when I do that: JUDGMENT!

JUDGMENT: A Painful Relational Barrier to Understanding

TESTIMONY:

  • Breaking the Cycles of Pain
  • How I learned about what judgment is AND that it was operating in my life and in our environment here at New Life. Judgment in not a Prophetic Gift ☺

Two AMAZING BOOK RESOURCES:

  • “How to Stop the Pain” (HSP) by Dr. James Richards
  • “The Operating System of Jesus” (OSJ) by Iain and Clare Bradbeer

What is judgment?

  • “Judgment has many facets, but the most basic aspect is this:
    • “It is when we assume to know why a person did what he did that we have entered into judgment.” (HSP Book)
    • It is also when we classify and label people according to their behaviors (OSJ Book).
  • Judgment in the Greek is the word ‘krino.”
    • It translates to mean a separating, an accusing, a slandering, or a forming of an opinion or a decision.

The outworking fruit of judgment includes: division, disunity, separation, competition, control, suspicion. (OSJ Book)

Why do we need to understand what Judgment is?

Life is a garden that grows the seeds I plant. (HSP Book)

  • “Do not judge. Or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others. You will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you” (Matthew 7:1-2 NIV)
  • For centuries we have missed the meaning and scope of this simple yet powerful passage. We have interpreted these verses to say, “If I judge other people, God is going to judge me.” That is not what this passage says. It says that

“If We Judge People, People Will Judge Us”. (HSP Book)

In Luke 6:36-38, we find a parallel passage to Matthew 7:

36 Show mercy and compassion for others, just as your heavenly Father overflows with mercy and compassion for all.” 37 Jesus said, “Forsake the habit of criticizing and judging others, and then you will not be criticized and judged in return. Don’t look at others and pronounce them guilty, and you will not experience guilty accusations yourself. Forgive over and over and you will be forgiven over and over. 38 Give generously and generous gifts will be given back to you, shaken down to make room for more. Abundant gifts will pour out upon you with such an overflowing measure that it will run over the top! Your measurement of generosity becomes the measurement of your return.”(TPT)

Jesus was NOT Talking about Finances in this Verse.

  • He was talking about “What We Give to Others Emotionally!”
  • It is a PRINCIPLE OF SOWING AND REAPING that effects the quality of our emotional and relational life.  

WHY do we judge?

  • We have a built-in Operating System: Just like a computer. (OSJ)
  • We see God’s original plan/operating system for Mankind in the Garden of Eden.
    • God placed Adam right in the middle of the Garden of Eden:
  • “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; 17 but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.”   Genesis 2:15-17
  • Once Eve is given to Adam, we see them living and operating in close connection and direct communion with God and one another.
  • AND LIVING SO SAFE AND SECURE with God that is says, “They were naked and unashamed”! Genesis 2:25

The Operating System of Judgment

  • THE BAD NEWS: The Operating System of Judgment was activated when the serpent tricked Eve Genesis 3:1-5. (OSJ)
    • He scared her. He speculated about God’s intentions, and in doing so, caused her to question within herself and “helped” her take matters into her own hands.
    • The devil severely undermined Eve’s attachment to God.
    • They put their faith in their own knowledge and judgments and they began the transition of a whole civilization into a new way of life completely founded on human judgment.
    • The Operating System of Judgment still holds people captive to this collective human judgment-based ‘reality’ even today.” (OSJ)
      • Even Christians!
  • THE GOOD NEWS: We can opt out of this inherited system!

The Operating System of Jesus

  • Jesus Came to Deliver Us Back to God’s Original Operating System.
    • We can learn how to live in the operating system modeled by Jesus.
      • The model of being completely secure, directly and constantly connected to God’s love purposes and power: in oneness with God. (OSJ Book)
    • Just like we need to be aware of:
      • THE SPIRITUAL BATTLE BETWEEN FEAR AND LOVE
        • and decide which kingdom we are going to partner with.
    • We also need to be aware of:
      • THE SPIRITUAL BATTLE BETWEEN
        • THE OPERATING SYSTEM OF JUDGMENT

AND

  • THE OPERATING SYSTEM OF JESUS
    • And decide which system we are going to partner with.

ONLY GOD HAS THE RIGHT TO JUDGE

God alone knows why people do what they do. We do not know, nor is it our place to judge

why. In many cases, we/people do not even know why we/they do what we/they do.

  • Let’s keep Matthew 7 verses 3-5 in mind: “Why would you focus on the flaw in someone else’s life and yet fail to notice the glaring flaws of your own? How could you say to your friend, ‘Let me show you where you’re wrong,’ when you’re guilty of even more? You’re being hypercritical and a hypocrite! First acknowledge your own ‘blind spots’ and deal with them, and then you’ll be capable of dealing with the ‘blind spot’ of your friend” (TPT)
  • The Matthew 7:1-12 passage ends with this in verse:
  • “In everything you do, be careful to treat others in the same way you’d want them to treat you, for that is the essence of all the teachings of the Law and the Prophets.” TPT

How can we stop judging?

  • Decide to be an Observer and not a Judge
  • HAND-OUT from Page 124 (OSJ) Prayer for Forgiveness and Freedom from Judgment

From Judgment to Understanding Through Communication

COMMUNICATION: EXCHANGING THE TRUTH INSIDE (KYLO Book Chapter 5)

  • So if it is true that I don’t know what is going on inside of you and you don’t know what is going on inside of me, How do we find out what is going on inside of each other?
    • Tell one another
    • Listen to one another
    • Understand one another

Understand One Another

  • Go for Understanding not Agreement
  • WHY?
    • Understanding says I care about you and our relationship.
    • Agreement says I care about me and being right
    • Which one helps rebuild connection? Understanding!

Listen to One Another

  • Listen with the goal of understanding.
  • Ask questions and listen to the answers
  • NOTE: The greatest skill we could ever learn in communication is to learn to listen well – especially when you disagree with the other person (KYLO)

Tell One Another

  • I Tell you about me and You tell me about you
  • Why? Because it is the only way you can know.

It is called “Exchanging the Truth Inside” (KYLO Chapter 5)

  • I Tell You About Me: I am not going to agree with your judgments about me. I am going to show you, me and what is going on inside of me.
  • You to Tell Me About You: I allow you to tell me about you and I am not going to judge you either. Judgment is not a prophetic gift. I am going to listen to you.
  • Seek to Understand Others: This is all about trusting each other and giving each other the best information possible to make the best decision possible for the relationship.
  • AND AGAIN: The goal of understanding is practiced by listening.

As You Exchange the Truth, Show that You Care. (KYLO Chapter 5)

  • It is so much easier to work through challenges and talk about hard things when we know the person we are working things though with cares about us.
  • Moving towards connection, because we care, shows the other person that the relationship matters more than the issue on the table.
  • It also makes it safer to work through the issue on the table.
  • Choose to partner with love NOT fear

Choosing Love Decreases Fear and Anxiety

  • I need to lower the anxiety and fear level so that I can protect the ‘us’ because we can stay connected even through the challenges!

These Communication Styles INCREASE Anxiety:

  • PASSIVE: You matter, I don’t –what matters most is you and what matters least is me.
  • AGGRESSIVE: I matter, you don’t – What’s important to me is what matters.
  • PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE: You matter – not! – They communicate behind the scenes because they don’t want to face their relationship with you.

ALL THREE STYLES are filled with fear and anxiety and ALL THREE ARE UNHEALTHY!

This Communication Style  Anxiety.

ASSERTIVE: You matter and so do I

  • I am powerful and require other people to be powerful.
  • If you try to be aggressive, I will set a limit.
  • If you try to be passive, I will ask you what you are going to do.
  • If you try to be passive-aggressive, I will call you on it and set a limit.

THIS STYLE IS HEALTHY because it is filled with LOVE and PEACE and FREEDOM

Levels of Communication: (KYLO Chapter 5)

  • Cliché – zero vulnerability necessary. Usually expressing a popular or common sentence or phrase like: “That’s the way the cookie crumbles” or “C’est La Vie” etc
  • Facts – exchanging factual information only – like the weather, sports, schedule, menu etc.
  • Opinions/Ideas/Perspectives – This is where two people show up.
    • This is where all the conflict comes because this is where are differences show up
  • Feelings – Two ‘different’ people with different feelings
    • If you try to answer my heart with you head – it hurts.
  • Needs – what is it that you need? We need different things and that is OK.
    • We need to identify what we each need and communicate it as we show care that shows we each matter to each other
  • The Deeper the Level of Communication We Want, the More TRUST We Need to Have.

TRUST is Built When We Express and Respond to Feelings and Needs

The Trust Cycle:

  • We have a Need
  • We Express the Need
  • The Need is Responded to
  • The Need Satisfied
    • We Feel Comfort
      • Note: This is also the role of the Holy Spirit in our life

How do I Effectively Communicate Feelings and Needs

“I” messages NOT “You” messages (KYLO Chapter 6):

Starts with “I” feel

  • I feel a feeling NOT a thought!
    • “I feel that you are a jerk” is a thought AND it is a judgment!
    • I feel like or I feel that – are thoughts NOT feelings.
  • Explain what happened that led to the feeling
  • Express what you need to feel.
    • NOTE: It is “I need to feel” NOT “I need you to do”!
      • That will not work as that is control and will just cause more anxiety and disconnection.

For Example:

“I feel ______________(A feeling)”

“It is related to ____________________(Something that happened)”

“I need to feel ______________(A feeling)”

You are giving the other person helping information.

They get to decide what they do with that information.

Problems Cannot be Solved When You are Disconnected

When we are disconnected, fear and anxiety come in.

  • “So these two people that are afraid of each other are going to work out what it is they need? No they are not!” They are going to try to control the other person to produce what they need, without being vulnerable and without protecting the connection because they don’t have one – there is nothing to protect. (KYLO)
  • Choose Love not Fear

When you find yourself disconnected:

  • Take the relationship and put it above the issue.
  • Make the relationship more important than the issue.
  • Work on the connection before trying to work on the problem. (KYLO)

Success in The Kingdom is Not Accomplishment but About Relationship

From COMMUNICATION to BOUNDARIES:

What are Boundaries?

A boundary is a guideline or limit that keeps in my life what I want to keep in and keep out what I want to keep out.

  • Boundaries communicate access and priorities so with each level of access we set boundaries on purpose.
  • Boundaries communicate value and protect priorities of time, energy, resources and relationships.
  • They are what keep me in control of my time, energy, resources and relationships

The bigger your heart is, the more crucial boundaries come into play. (KYLO)

 

BOUNDARIES include LEVELS OF INTIMACY

As Christians, many of us often believe we have a responsibility to let anyone have access to us any time they want but even Jesus set boundaries. (KYLO)

We need to identify who is in our various SPHERES of relationships

  • Inner Core: You and Jesus
  • Next Level: Spouse, A Close Family Member or A Friend
  • Next Level: Children, Other Family Member and Other Close Friends
  • Next Level: Neighbours and Co-Workers
  • Next Level: Business or Ministry

Boundaries can be Fluid and Move Around

This can happen when….

  • Life goes off the rails or in
  • Seasons of Life
    • Getting Married
    • Having a baby
    • Going back to work
    • Looking after elderly parents.

Boundaries prioritize my goal is intimacy and connection in my relationships.

They are not walls and barriers!

Boundaries Include Managing Ourselves (KLYO)

What do we do when people have access to our lives and they are not very careful with that access and the responsibility of being close?

We Can:

Tell Others What YOU are Going To Do

Remember: Words Make Appeals, But Actions Create Requirement

  • “I’ll be glad to finish this conversation as long as it is respectful”
  • Then remember: Everywhere you go, your feet go with you!

Just because you set boundaries, doesn’t mean you don’t care deeply for people.

  • Boundaries are one of the best ways to communicate love and value to those around you.
  • People believe your actions more than they believe your words.
  • The more consistently the people encounter the boundaries you set in your life, the more they trust that it is you that manages your life.
  • The time, energy, access you give them communicates true value in your relationship.

Boundaries Are An Expression of Love

Communication and Boundaries Take Us Back to Love and Connection

There is a healthy cycle here:

We Can Cultivate a Culture of Honour through Love, Connection, Communication and Boundaries

AND “As we succeed,

We will be positioned to bring the cities of our world into transformation!

Transformation through honour and empowered by the grace of God to and through us!”  

       Bill Johnson –Bethel Church, Redding California  

His Kingdom Come, His Will Be Done Here As It Is In Heaven.

-Donna Petch


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